By Alan Tyson

I don’t think I’ve felt this feeling
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt such anger
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt defeated
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt exhausted
Like I do now
All rolling together at the same time

Such profound exhaustion

And the anger isn’t loud though
It’s too soft
Too Subtle
Simmering
Kind of scary
Waiting for the right time to pop
Waiting for the right time to sizzle
Just waiting
Perhaps Righteous anger
I don’t know
But it’s waiting for the right time to jump out
Make me scream at the top of my lungs
“You want me!”
“Take me too!”
Cause “I can’t breathe” in all of this emotion.

But I realize that’s it’s been like this for awhile
Since my family
Way before my family
My families family
And way before them
My ancestors
All of that anger - boiling up
Wanting action
Wanting solutions
But never getting there
Truly
Never even scratching the surface
Truly
Never even seeing the light of day
We go back and forth
Up and down
Around and around
Cris cross
Zig zag
All coming back to the revolutionary decree
“I Cant Breathe”
And I’m just exhausted

Such profound exhaustion

Enough is enough
Prayer is only half the battle
Action is the rest
But what action
My anger wants me to tear things up
Ravage my enemies
But who is an enemy
Who is for who?
My grief wants me to go run
Far far away
While it’s all just my fear
Seeking shelter in this vessel of a body
So I’m challenging myself
Since I haven’t felt joy in days
Everything is about murder
Everything is about riots
So much anger
So much grief
Not enough joy
And I know I can’t let this run my life
So what else is there to do?
I’m sick and tired
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired
I’m so exhausted from it all

Such profound exhaustion

I don’t think I’ve looked around my shoulders
Behind my back
Out my rear view mirror
Kept my head down
Just not to die today
I don’t think I’ve ran as hard as I could
Just to not feel
Just to not be able to think anymore
Just to surrender to it all
Yet here I am still
For some reason
I don’t think I’ve worked as hard I have
Just to end up murdered
With no justice at all
At this point it’s expected, no?
At this point I better just put my hands up as soon as I walk out my door
At this point I might as just bend down and say Yes, Massa!
Is that what it’s come to?
These thoughts constantly crowd my mind
Keep me up at night
Make me short with others
Keep me on guard
And I’m just so so exhausted

Such a profound exhaustion

I don’t think I’ve felt this feeling
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt this well of emotions
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve had the time to process
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt such anger
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt defeated
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt grief
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt fear
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt suffocated
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt confused
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt as on guard
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve wanted to scream
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve wanted to run
Like I do now
I don’t think I’ve felt this exhausted
All of this
All at the same time

I don’t think I’ve felt this
Profound exhaustion
Like I do now.